Avoidance (Perfectionism?)

The only thing I wanted to do this week was run away
to the woods and ignore everything.

That’s absolutely, 100% it. The entire week my nervous system was teetering on some hellacious precipice, fully activated and ready to run away at the drop of a hat. Not quite panic attack, not quite emotional breakdown, but so close I could smell both right around the corner and it was all I could do to calm my breathing so they wouldn’t pounce.

So it only made sense that Wednesday I commit to a few folks that this weekend I’m going to make massive forward progress on this little business. Because otherwise I’m 95% sure I’d either disappear off the face of the earth, or would spend the weekend in a vegetative state in my bed. Probably drooling.

Know thyself, right?

But also: take care of thyself. Yesterday was weird. I forced myself to socialize in the morning with some parents from my son’s school (a lot of the stay-home or otherwise free moms meet up for mimosas or coffee to build community at back-to-school time, and I think several other times during the  year). That was really nice. These are women I’ve chatted with a bit on Facebook and it was really good to get to know them a little more.  I also had a woman offer to share my business’ page once I have it thoroughly active and have stuff ready to sell. That vote of confidence felt amazing.

The main point was to combat my desire for isolation. The only antidote? I force myself to socialize. I also took a 2 hour nap, because a lack of sleep makes me feel  hopeless.

After running some errands in the evening I got home, fed myself vegetables, and got to work on my garage studio. I’d originally set it up to be a kind of ‘teaching’ space – think me behind table, facing camera, talking about plants. WAY too serious – and also a way to hide behind a table. That set let me stay scared. So now I’m about halfway to it looking more like a living room. I just need to buy a rug to cover the stained concrete floor and I’ll be able to set up lights and get filming.

So here we are again: Fear. Perfectionism. All of the things popping up, telling me to stay in my lobster pajama pants and watch garbage on Netflix all day because that’s the best way to ignore the beautiful life that I want to reach.

Hey, fear of being judged. I see you – and you’re the most judgmental of all. Sit down and have a cup of tea. I’m doing this.

Hey, perfectionism. You’re showing me all the things I haven’t figured out yet. Thanks! Nah, I don’t know much about lighting, or video/sound editing. Hell, I don’t know how to use the program.

But I know how to learn things.

Sit down and make me a list of things I need to learn. That’s helpful. And you’re right – what if I miss something in my videos?! What if I put together a guide to all the common problems for a certain plant, and I miss some big glaring issue?

I’ll fix it.

I’ll release an addendum, or re-work the video. I can always add extra scenes later. No worries. This is a casual business intended to make folks feel at ease about plant care. If I’m all uptight, I’ll be just like them – I’ll never take a chance; I’ll never move forward. That’s exactly what I’m against!

I want my clients to chill and not stress when it comes to plant care. I want them to feel empowered to take a step, fuck something up, even kill their plant – and LEARN from it, then try again. I want them to take chances, make mistakes, get messy…basically I need to get a collection of Ms. Frizzle dresses over here (I saw some chicken-leg socks yesterday and my first thought was “Oh! Those would be perfect for a video!”). But I digress 🙂

I have to lead by example.

So here we go.  Sit down, perfectionism. I’m going to name you Captain Fussypants McGee, because I know you’re sticking around. Might as well have something to giggle at when you lob your opinions at me.

What’s your perfectionism telling you today? How can you thank it and keep moving forward?


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