July 2019, or The Month I Completely Lost It

From here on out I’m going to be posting a bit more regularly – I’ll have more regular time to build this thing. Because I’m putting this online now, I’ll put July all in one entry. 


July 1

I’ve been dashing around like a crazy woman at the day job lately, because… I get to see my partner this weekend! I’ll be flying out the morning of the 4th, coming back the evening of the 8th. It’s interesting – we’ve been together for two years but have never spent this much time on each other, and certainly not time that was completely focused on ‘us’ (rather than kiddos, projects, work, and general life nonsense). It’s going to be pretty fantastic.

I’ve got a few projects to work on, mainly copywriting and photo organization. I’ve been taking pictures of plants here and there, which apparently amounts to about a zillion photos. I’ll just be working on the flights, then doing some coaching while I’m out there.


July 2

Last night with munchkin before he’s off to CA to visit his step-grandparents for July! I’ve already sounded the rallying cry among my friends – with both Mr. Turbo and wee Scrum gone, and loneliness as my typical negative emotion, I’m going to need some social time. Have to somehow build this into major work on the business. Gotta catch up!

And yes, I call my son ‘scrum.’ He is basically a rugby scrum reincarnated as a child.


July 4

I found out last night that my stepmom’s cancer is back, and was hiding really well. Some type that doesn’t show up on scans. I don’t know much more except that I’m entirely flattened. Unsure how long she has – a few months? Maybe more with a bit of palliative treatment?


July 6

Feeling unsure how I can do all of this. Keep moving forward. I’m enjoying my trip, despite everything. It’s been good to be with my partner. I’ve been trying to work out how I’m going to keep up with everything and also plan lots of trips out to visit my parents (they’re about 6-7 hours away, driving, and I work 4 ten hour shifts, so I can go out Friday through Sunday but it’s a whirlwind). Day job is short staffed pretty consistently, so despite having 3 weeks of vacation time in the bank I typically can’t use it. I’m overwhelmed.


July 12

Wee Miss Kitten has been puking all week, and it apparently started when I was in DC but my mom didn’t want to say anything to worry me. Brought her to the vet today and they told me she’s in renal failure. They gave her subcutaneous fluids with anti-nausea meds and told me that if this clears things up over the weekend, we’ll need to continue with it to prevent dehydration (she drinks a ton, but it isn’t going into her system at all). If it doesn’t clear up, well…time to think about worse options. 

One thing to be thankful for – I grew up on a farm, so I’ll be doing this myself at home 3 times a week. Because she’s getting better, damnit.

But holy hell. Add one more thing to the pile, eh? I really don’t know how I can handle this – plus, how do I visit family with this little needy creature at home? Will be looking into professional pet sitters. Argh.  I do NOT have time for this, but I fucking love this cat, so here we go.

Some good news: I’m wrapping with one of my main coaching clients, who met all of his goals right on target. Pleased with that.


July 15

So. Thoroughly. Sad.


Trying to get through work by listening to fiction all day. Sometimes it works as a distraction, sometimes I just walk around in a funk anyway. Unsure what to do about this. “Happy” is my namesake, goddamnit.

This is reasonable, given the circumstances. Gotta breathe.

I’m trying cold showers and exercising a lot. Will be doing full-on ice baths as soon as I get my tub washed out in the backyard (cold exposure has an anxiolytic effect). Cutting coffee. Started running – sacrum is okay enough for that. No weights yet. Yoga/meditation in the mornings. Maybe I can exhaust myself enough, because I can barely fall asleep at night. I’ve got onset insomnia, then anxiety will feel me slipping into sleep and I’ll jerk awake, full of adrenaline. This is not okay.

I’ve had some free time but have been avoidant. Have done a few things toward the business, but the main thing I’ve done is set ‘no’ as my default. No, I don’t need to try to meet my deadlines right now. No, I’m not doing anything extra. No, the networking group I was attending as a coach is no longer necessary in my life. No, I won’t work overtime for the day job. And, most of all, NO, I’m not going to feel bad about any of that. Half of building a business is persistence, the other half is letting go. Usually they go hand in hand, but I’m completely in the latter phase right now.

Jesus christ I miss my kid. Two more weeks.


July 23

My fabulous partner is a psychologist and talked me out of a minor insomnia-induced hysteria last night. Absolute desperation. Four hours of sleep a night means I can stand upright, but that’s about it. We figured out that a piece of the issue is simple – I set my alarm when I go to bed, at which point there’s pressure for me to fall asleep because I only have so many hours before I have to be up. I’m setting it earlier in the day now, and it’s helping some. Anxiety/monkey mind still an issue. Had a drink last night for the central nervous system depressant. Need a better solution. Self-medicating with alcohol is not recommended, kids…

Also, I started actively grieving. Rather than pushing it down to get through my day, then collapsing into bed because that’s dumb and exhausting, last night I sat down to journal with a box of tissues. I’ll be doing this as much as is necessary. It has to come out.

Interestingly enough, I’m finding that everything I’ve heard about grief doesn’t really apply here. I’ve no anger or lack of acceptance – simply a desire to continue to know my stepmom, and an empathetic sadness for those who will be most affected by her death (my dad and stepsisters). And an intense sadness that she won’t be around to see her grandchildren grow up. But I don’t know what I believe as far as souls and death and all that, except that she’s so freakin’ headstrong that if she wants to see them grow up after she’s dead, I’m sure she’ll figure it out.


July 26

Went to my doc today. He gave me a few Xanax. It’s been weeks of this crap and I’m done. 

Remind me again how the fuck anxiety is evolutionarily useful? As Newt Scamander said, “Why suffer twice?” Get with the program, brain…


July 28

SLEEP! It’s a miracle!


Nah, the miracle is how I automatically got productive this weekend. Garage is once again ready for filming (it was a mess after my partner moved), I took a bunch of photos of one of my orchids (putting out a new bloom spike), and I wrote a lot. I also said no to quite a few things. 

Okay, time for some actual value. This ‘how a coach builds a business’ thing – how about some guidelines/rules?

  1. Make a plan. Give it a timeframe that’s feasible, and take into account that you’ll have occasional slumps. If you need to, use a calendar that screams at you every day. Or put it on your bedroom wall, so it’s the first thing you see in the morning and the last thing you see at night. Maybe don’t do this if it stresses you out and you get anxious about it right before sleeping 😉
  2. Get fucking excited about the thing you’re chasing. Lean into this excitement, and find the bits of gratitude you can lean on when things get hard. Figure out your ‘why,’ and make it intense enough to actually get you there.
  3. Look at your schedule. “I don’t have time” is bullshit. I’m a single mom, work 40 hours a week, run a successful coaching business on the side, and I’m also starting another small business. I wake up at 4:30 to work on this before I go to the day job. Get you some hot bean juice and make the time. Ten minutes a day means 60 hours a year, folks. That’s 60 hours closer to your goal. Do it.
  4. Shit happens. Like, LOTS of it, apparently. Holy crap. Take the space you need and forgive yourself for a lack of progress.
  5. Figure out what you need. You want to keep moving forward. You need to take care of yourself. Figure out your self-care. Sometimes that means yoga or bulk cooking so you have healthy food that energizes you. Sometimes it means Xanax. Stop judging yourself.
  6. Rally the troops! You need support, and you need to learn to ask for help. Taking a walk with a friend can be fabulous. We’re social creatures – USE that to fuel yourself.
  7. When you’ve got it together, rework your six month plan. Again, forgive yourself. You already decided to do this and you will. Get moving again. Write down everything you’ve done so far, things you’re in progress on, and things you still have to do. Adjust and move on.
  8. You’ve got this.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *